For much of the last five years I’ve spent at least an hour a day wondering about decisions made at some point in the recent or distant past. Each choice I made, critical or small, that lead me to this place I find myself in again, again, and again. What if?

About a week ago I entered into a new phase in my love relationship at a very stressful time in this new day job that made me realize how committed I am to both, and to my graduate program keeping me at the latter.

It’s a commitment I’ve never known before. It’s one of pure certainty and absolute logic. Of course this is where I ended up, came back to, and strived to belong in eventually. I have so many examples to elaborate on the vagary flickering in and out of my mind’s eye but to share would be purposeless; what is YOUR knowing?

For me it’s a feeling, linking back to every other moment that feeling arose and remembering how it is linked to only the most authentic me. This is she unguarded, no ego, fakeness and defenses discarded for curiosity and awareness. From that place it all makes sense; of course this is what I want, this job, those degrees, that career path, and this lifestyle with that life partner.

It culminates to one lingering question akin to the subject line: what now?